The Shecky Green Column

The Shecky Green Column

Posted on: June 12th, 2013 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 1 Comment

 

The Timbers take on the Tampa Bay Rowdies tonight in their next step towards US Open Cup glory. Some friends of the axe wrote a great piece hipping us nOObs to the southern jive, which you can read here. With that covered I thought I might take on a wholly different subject, yet one that has been bandied about a bit on the internets in the last few weeks – the fallacy of the draw.

 

The Timbers played to their eighth draw of the season last Saturday night. In fact, they have drawn more games than any other team in the MLS. The San Jose Earthquakes have earned the second most draws this season with six and are currently floundering in eighth in the west. Even though the Timbers manage a tenuous grip on third in the west without being able to turn those draws into wins is just that - tenuous. I would put loads of money on the fact that another eight draws in the next fourteen matches will not see them in the top five in the west. Porter is right, again and some more – the west is tightening up and without earning three points the Timbers will once again be on the outside of the playoffs looking in.

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The Shecky Green Column…

Posted on: May 2nd, 2013 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 8 Comments

 

Yesterday was a day of smiling through tears for 3000 plus PTFC supporters. We manned our usual stations in the North End, only this time to root against our beloved Timbers and to root on Atticus and his team, the Green Machine for twenty-five minutes of the oh so beautiful game. With flags waving in the stands and a color guard in full regalia the starting lineups were announced. The national anthem was sung, and the opening whistle sounded. The Timbers went with a 1-2-1 formation against the Green Machines 2-7. This looked to be a battle for the ages.

It took the Green Machine a little over twice as long as Sporting Kansas City to get on the board, but in the second minute young Atticus was able to steal the ball from Darlington Nagbe, work his way around Jack Jewsbury and put one through the legs of captain Will Johnson and into the back of the net. The Green Machine Army went wild. By the time the Timbers could take one back they were already down by 3. This comeback was going to be much more difficult than any they had faced this season. By halftime Atticus was sitting on a brace, helping the Green Machine to hold a tentative 6-4 lead.

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In the second half Will Johnson was issued his second yellow card and sent off for a rough tackle after backing into and knocking down one of the Green Machiners. The Timbers, down a man, were still able to mount a valiant comeback, tying the score at 9 with only minutes left to play. It looked as if the Timbers unbeaten streak was set to go to 7 matches until young Atticus found the ball at his feet, after a Green Machine corner kick was sent wide. Collecting and composing himself, Atticus slipped through the throng of players and delivered what would be the final goal of the match, and his fourth. This time he meant business and slipped the ball through the legs of Sebastian Rincon. Moments later the final whistle blew and the scoreboard read 10 to 9. The Green Machine had won in stoppage time.

And so went the supporters: When I root I root for the Green Machine! (Clap clap clap clap-clap clap clap-clap clap)

It is often so much easier to give support then to accept it. Many, like myself, are much more likely to suffer our struggles alone then to ask for help from others, even when help is desperately needed. Unfortunately this means that we are reluctant to allow others to help us: to give us the support that makes them feel so needed and necessary. For as much as we are willing and able to aid others in distress, when it comes to ourselves we are also quick to deny others that same gratification. It is, somehow, the bigger man who can ask for help than the one who can give it. Thank you Atticus for being that bigger man and allowing us all to feel needed and necessary yesterday. Thank you for allowing us all to smile through our tears--I can’t remember the last time I felt so good.

Yesterday, football eased the burden. As Atticus realized his dream, he also allowed everyone in the north end to realize theirs: we were children again. But we were more—we were fans and supporters of a little boy. The enormous weight resting on his eight-year-old shoulders was willingly taken on by an amazing group of supporters. Over 3000 strong, we helped. We banded together to launch Atticus’s innumerable fears, pains, struggles and conflicts out into the atmosphere to where they could not reach him. We built a shield around him made of song and of love. We stood up and said "Not today. Today he is ours and we are his.”

Thank you Portland Timbers. Thank you Merritt Paulson, the front office, the Timbers Army, the Oregon Make-A-Wish Foundation, and all of you who were there yesterday. Thank you for allowing me to join with you in this wonderful celebration of life.

And thank you Atticus. May you always remember that an army has your back. You are ours now, and we are yours.

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With great love and best wishes,

Shecky

The Shecky Green Column

Posted on: December 28th, 2012 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 4 Comments

 

Hello, axe readers. I have returned from education exile. My grades have come in, Junior is off at daycare, and for the first time in months I have the opportunity to type out something that is not related to the Espionage Act of 1917, alien cattle mutilation or Einstein’s theory of relativity (God bless liberal arts). It was an invigorating semester on the hill, but this break is well earned and even better received.

Magadh and sunshine have been doing an admirable job of maintaining the high level of decorum and scholarship our wonderful readers have come to expect from us every day. I’m here to dial it back a bit with bold assertions and noob speculation.

I know it’s early, but I am going to predict that the Portland Timbers are going to win the pre-season championship again this year. Last year’s pre-season champions were aided by new boys Kris Boyd and Franck Songo’o. Even with the new ins and outs, it will take some effort to eclipse last year’s efforts; after all, the Timbers ended the pre-season undefeated.

This is a new pre-season championship with many changes. Spenny is long gone and newcomer, Caleb Porter, just weeks into his first off-season with the Timbers, is already exceeding expectation. We had a couple wild days of acquisitions and releases and any minute now Merritt will be rear-ending somebody while tweeting us a picture of Johnson or Johnson or Harrington or Kocic or all of them or some mix of those fellas at the airport or a snake.

With those new players and the new coach, the front office might be able to bring home the pre-season championship for the second year in a row. I have heard we can expect a change in tactics and a change in player pedigree, the Timbers have been going for committed gamers instead of a supposed marquee name.

The Boyd hire made all of us happy for a variety of reasons. For me, it was a sign that MP was willing to invest big money in the team – it didn’t matter so much about who it was, just that it was a sign of a deeper commitment from the owner. But the results of last season should make this year’s off-season moves all the more appealing. Porter is pushing for hard-nosed experienced fellas who can move the ball well and who won’t shy away from a challenge. From all that I have heard, we will see an aggressive, fast-paced group that should give us plenty of reasons to sing. Back-to-back pre-season championships look highly likely.

Some may say I should wait until the team takes the field on January 29, against the Rapids in Tucson, to make my off-season assessments. They may be right, but I’m pretty sure I have foolproof excuses lined up if we don’t pull through in Arizona. I’ll just say that “It’s the pre-season and it doesn’t mean anything.” Or maybe “It was hot down there, and how can we expect them to adjust to the sunlight/pitch/lack of an Army?” I’m ready to win this pre-season—statistics and the talent of other teams will not get in my way.

Which reminds me of a joke:

Gavin visited his doctor recently and told him he thought Porter was hard of hearing. The doctor said to Gavin:

“Why not try a simple test; when Porter isn’t looking ask him a question from 20 feet away. If he doesn’t answer ask again from 10 feet away. If he still doesn’t answer ask him from 3 feet away.”

The next day Gavin found Porter inspecting the Jeld-Wen pitch and from 20 feet away said

“Hey Caleb, what kind of player should I be going after?”

Nothing.

He took a few steps and asked again,

“Hey, Caleb, what kind of player should I be going after?”

and again, nothing.

Finally, from 3 feet away, Gavin asked,

“Hey Caleb, what kind of player should I be going after?”

Caleb turned around and said “For the third time, a creative midfielder!”

Okay, I’m off to get tattooed because I hear that is what you do when you have devoted your life to a team. Sunshine is a bit reluctant to add anymore ink, but he did look dashing at the first annual axe Christmas party—he came in a white beard and a full Santi Cazorla kit. He actually pulled off the impersonation even though he is a full foot taller than the nimble Spaniard.

Happy belated Hanukkah,

Shecky

The Shecky Green Column: On the Road to Colorado

Posted on: September 5th, 2012 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 2 Comments

 

With Magadh in Germany talking Merkel down from her plan to annex Greece into a southern colony and sunshine harvesting the beets from his farm for his annual borscht festival, it has fallen to me to write the pre-match ramble. As our loyal and regular readers understand it is more common for me to rant about some issue that only a noob would be afflicted by or impressed with. So this is a first--please forgive me.

I have done some poking around the Internet, and I feel I may be able to live up to expectation. Maybe.

Today we play Colorado in Colorado. Immediately, our away form comes into question. First, the good news: we have won exactly 2 fewer matches on the road this year than last. Next, the bad news: we won only 2 matches on the road last year. That is right: we have not won on the road at all this season.

Consequently, it is a good thing we are playing the Colorado Rapids. While it is true the Rapid’s recent form is not unlike the Timber’s, to predict a win tonight would be as easy as predicting the winning numbers of Powerball. But looking at the recent form of the Rapids, I can see how they earned their abbreviated name: C.Rap. Since they trounced us 3 nil in their house back in June they have won only 1 league match and compiled a total of 4 points in 11 matches. The recent failures of the C.Rapids does not mean that they will roll over like flea bit dog--the Timbers present the only legitimate chance remaining to earn 3 points, so I expect them to come out fighting.

Leading the C.Rapids will be chief thug, Conor Casey. While he was relatively silent against the Timbers on Friday, he does seem to present an issue for our defense. I expect him to use his oafish weight to his advantage. If the C.Rapids find themselves down a goal and fighting Mr. Clean will probably hurt somebody. Hell, he might hurt somebody anyway.

Matt Pickens is a stingy goalkeeper and he may have just won himself save of the year on Friday night. He is good.

More interesting to me is the fact Honduran, Hendry Thomas, will make his home debut. sunshine has instructed me Thomas played rather well for Wigan FC, but failed to get much time recently. I guess he even got a Man of the Match award when he first arrived in England. The C.Rapids used him and Larentowicz in the middle of their formation last Friday. I expect he should remain there, preventing much movement from the Timbers offense. Keep an eye out for him--given Omar Cummings is with Jamaica, he might be the only bright spot on an otherwise struggling side.

Now for some noobness from the noob. Moving on to the C.Rapids home support, i was shocked by their supporters club name: The Pid Army. With very little research in this department that is without question the worst name for a supporters group in all of MLS. I like supporters of this beautiful game, and especially in a struggling US environment, but wow. So far I have not been able to come up with a reason for this disgraceful designation. Someone with the answer please share it with me so I can stop giggling.

(oh, probably short for Rapids. Still awful.)

Enough about them. Now us. The Timbers have a chance to win 3 in a row for the first time in their MLS history. Again, my hopes are not high, but they are not dashed all together either. Finally a solid starting 11 has emerged. They are a cohesive group, who seem to work for the team. It felt, from the upper 210’s, that last Friday night’s match vs. Colorado was the first in which our back 4 were communicating with each other well, talking AND listening, as well as the first time both sides of the pitch were primed for attack. Magadh and sunshine would do better in analyzing, breaking down and explaining these changes. All I know is that it looked good and it seemed as if we had more options on the field than we have had in a while. I sure hope to see something similar tonight. My feeling is that if Gavin messes with what has worked of late then trouble will ensue. By this I mean if our boys come out with a formation and attitude that seems to be playing for the draw then we will lose.

With the playoffs out of reach (do you really need a spoonful of sugar?) the Timbers have very little left to lose this season. As many have said recently, 2 wins at home does not portend a sea change for our boys in green. A win tonight would do well to change that, but I expect a draw.

And finally, a piece on the C.Rapids would not be complete without a call to Stan Kroenke to open up the coffers and start spending to the benefit of our Gunners. The money is there, silent one, and it does not play well in the bank. .

RCTID,

Shecky

The Shecky Green Column

Posted on: August 24th, 2012 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 5 Comments

 

As a new convert to the benefits of twitter, I have learned it is really easy to stick your foot in a pile of muck. Whether intentional or he is just oblivious to his twitter farts, Merritt has taken a few far too many. Recently he has offended a good number of the Timbers Army, calling them idiots and morons.

I have been reading his tweets over the last few months and I have one thing to say: Merritt Paulson needs to cancel his twitter account. He comes off as a petulant brat, a spoiled rich kid, and often a jerk nearly every time he takes the time to cram some holier than thou missive into 140 characters or less. His tweeting is condescending. Like he is insecure enough to think that all of our love and admiration will help him feel less insecure, and that tweeting will prove that he isn't insecure. Perhaps it comes from being the son of a hippie who followed Bob Dylan around when she was younger, but his sense of entitlement has finally smacked me in the face.

I know people love the fact he is so accessible. I know they may even love it because he feels like a real, social media friend when he makes personal tweets. But I fail to see how a friend, even a real social media friend can get away with calling his friends morons and idiots. I love being called a moron, especially by Merritt. I get enough abuse from sunshine (and I am sure I will receive some for this post), that looking forward to being abused by a man I pay a rather good chunk of change to seems, well, either masochistic or just stupid.

I feel that my money gives me the right to complain about the management and the way things are going with this team. Yes, I am a noob and new to this love of the Timbers, but I am not such a noob to misunderstand the difference between good and bad. It must be a lonely place, defending Gavin while the majority of us in the Northend ask for his head on a stake, but that does not give him the right to call the people who make it possible for him to stay in business morons.

Perhaps the entitlement has warped his noggin so much that he believes because he made it possible for the Timbers to go into the MLS that we should actually thank him, not criticize him and his buddy Gavin. Whether he asks for it or not, I really think Merritt wants us fans to kiss his ass, not Gavin’s. But engaging in a war of words with his moronic fans and supporters he turns into a moron. It is embarrassing. I read the interactions and wonder what the rest of the MLS must think of us.

Even if Merritt is frustrated with the results, the results don’t change as a result of his idiotic tweets. Nobody is getting what they want—us a new GM and Merritt an end to the frustrations of an Army. Unfortunately, all Merritt is doing is stoking the fire and adding a target to his own back.

But the recent outburst at unhappy members of the Timbers Army was not the beginning. There was the well documented social media battle with Eric Wynalda. Ironically, Merritt called him a twitter train wreck, on twitter, like a twitter train wreck. I hope in the current train wreck does not end like that one. We all know what it felt like when Wynalda and Cal FC humiliated the Timbers, and Merritt. Again, as karma has it, when you act like a moron you look like a moron. But even the humiliation of that loss was not enough to keep him off Twitter and away from Wynalda.

Whatever made Merritt believe that it was ok to initiate the attack on Wynalda seemed to grab ahold of him again. We have all wondered who the next coach would be. But Merritt made certain to let us know who it would not be, treating him like a second class citizen in the process. Tweeting to Wynalda:

@Wynalda11 eric - how can "no" be an answer if you have never even had a conversation let alone an interview? I'm confused here.

That was the third tweet directed in a smarmy and unprofessional manner at a guy Merritt called a train wreck. Either Merritt is trying to start another public argument or he is an idiot and a moron, neither really favorable reviews. Just shut up and hire a good coach!

I don’t need reassuring, do I? I have to believe he is doing his job without him getting on the smartphone to remind me he is a moron. Just let this happen through the next article published by his bro, GCA.

So here’s hoping he meant what he tweeted when he wrote:

The days of me responding to supporters on twitter regularly may be over. too easy to take 140 characters out of context.

The Timbers have given the rest of the league plenty to laugh about this season without Merritt stuffing his silver foot in his mouth. As Mark Twain said, “It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

RCTID,

Shecky

The Shecky Greene Column

Posted on: August 12th, 2012 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 2 Comments

 

The summer of The Clash is going strong here at the Greene house. And much to my great relief, London Calling really gets Shecky Jr. dancing. One day he will make musical choices that I’m sure to disagree with, but until that time: small victories!!

As a noob, I have found solace and some satisfaction this season in the small victories. Even now, after I have resigned myself to a losing season, I still try to find things about the team, the players, and their play, to make me happy. Sometimes the bar needs to be lowered to better suit the capabilities, and sometimes the bar needs to be raised to about mid-torso level and have good scotch put upon it. Losing seasons happen, right?

Enough has been said about all the horrible details of this year. So I will not go into them and let my two surly friends, sunshine and Magadh, do the work. However, the last couple weeks things appeared to turn for the better. The Timbers put in a fair performance against Chivas, and then earned a point against Dallas. It appears Franck Songo’o has begun to come good and live up to some of the pre-season hype. I even like what McAuley has done with the defense, during practice and during the game. I love watching him give them the business from the sidelines.

Anyway, after Dallas I had accepted the inevitable for this season. I thought a low point had been reached and things could not get much worse. Being the eternal optimist, I felt this low point would one day make the high point feel that much higher. Unfortunately, the crazy started. Perkins, Ricketts, Chewy, and Hogg. My poor little noob brain got awfully confused. I wrote a bunch of emotionally charged and scattered thoughts and sent them off to sunshine. “Dude can you pick an idea and stick to it?” was his reply. And then in his loving, but dismissive way, he said “maybe write some sort of noob thank you letter to Perkins.”

“But this story is bigger than Perkins now,” I told him. Silence. But really, Perkins got 2 days on the blog. And before I could write that thank you letter, Chewy was traded. And then Ian Hogg was on awaiting a visa before boarding a plane to come to Portland. This is now a story of confusion and, much to sunshine’s satisfaction, the summer of The Clash has turned into the summer of the clash (see what I did there?).

I am confused because I would think moves like sending our most consistent player off to the place where his nose got ripped off seems purposeless and rude, and acquiring assistant coaches and new players seems like moves the new coach would want to be a part of. Am I missing something here? I mean, the moves made by the Timbers this last week have seriously put the cart before the horse. Don’t you think? And as far as I could see (and what do I know, I am a noob), goalkeeping was never the major issue within the team. Did it really need attention right now? At the very least, it seems to me, trading the most consistent player of the year, with maybe the exception of Diego Chara, in a move that comes as a complete surprise to him and everyone else (and then throwing him under the bus, and then backing the bus up to drive over him again) has got to create an uneasy feeling in the clubhouse. Not the “I better play really hard so coach notices and puts me in the line-up” uneasy, but more of a “Who is in charge here and what are they thinking? And will I be next?” kind of uneasy.

The Perkins trade was announced at about 10am, and at about 10:01 the backlash began. Again, if you are reading this then you don’t need the details because you probably ARE some of those details. I’ll just skip ahead to the clash between the Wizard of Oz front office and the emotionally charged supporters. Obviously aware that a reaction was inevitable, the FO made these moves before a more than 2-week period between home matches. Honestly, that is probably the only wise thing done by the front office regarding these moves. They created a cooling-down period. And while the FO should not be focusing their energies on placating the Timbers Army, they should keep in mind the fact that the TA are the one aspect of this whole equation that cannot be bought or sold. Players, coaches and even owners will come and go, but having the loudest and proudest terraces in MLS is not something you want to mess with.

We supporters are not stupid--even us noobs have some intelligence. We understand the game and how things should work. We are accepting of difficult seasons and bad records. And even in bad seasons, we will continue to be loud and proud. But if you treat us like idiots (or act like them yourselves) we will be pissed off and we will let you know. Unfortunately, the front office has given us supporters an outlet for the frustrations that have built up over the course this difficult summer.

I know sunshine and Magadh do not use this blog to start revolutions, but I hope we supporters use our strongest and most consistent attribute to send a proper message to the front office during the next home match. This last week has awaken a new side of being a noob I did not realize existed—I have been let down by my team’s ownership and its front office which makes me love the team even more. But I have had it with the front office.

“Go home, Gavin! Go home, Gavin! Go home, Gavin! Go home!”

RCTID,

Shecky

The Shecky Green Post

Posted on: July 27th, 2012 by theaxepdx@gmail.com 1 Comment

 

I hate missing matches. But, because some people fail to schedule their parties around the Timbers schedule, this Saturday the Sheckys will be attending a different, but delicious function. So, no rabble rousing from me, and those good folk in the upper 210s will get a break. When I informed Sunshine I will be absent on Saturday, he looked at me with his cold, unflinching stare and said “that is your problem, bub.” I guess it is. It’s funny that a guy who types solely in lowercase speaks primarily in capitals...

But never fear, technology and the Twatterverse will provide me updates underneath the dinner table. I love sneaking off for the occasional update. This will be my second absence of the season. My first was a trip to Florida. Luckily, our host from Michigan had a dish and I was able to watch the match from the Detroit Fox Sports channel. While not John Strong, listening to the Columbus broadcast was entertaining. However, as this disastrous season continues, the opposition’s commentary is losing it’s comedic value.

In the wake of Spencer’s firing, we have had some horrible losses. I know the loses appear may indicate Gavin is more culpable for the team we have and their performances. Still, I stand by my earlier belief that Spencer should have been shown the door. His firing does not automatically make the timbers a better team. It does not insure the Timbers will attain Merritt’s pre-season expectations that Portland will make the play-offs. That assumption would be ridiculous.

The Gavin Wilkinson debate I will leave to someone else better informed  than this noob. But a fellow blogger, OctoberThoughtsPdX, did provide a quote worth discussion. Kristen was speaking with an old school Army member, who described the overall sentiment towards Gavin’s presence at the club in an unflattering way. He said “Gavin’s in his twelfth year with the club. He should be a legend, but he isn’t.” I think that speaks volumes.

In the long run, I believe firing Spencer will pay off. But it will not change the course of this season. We may end up with a few more great moments and flashes of brilliance as we saw against Seattle and San Jose, and the Cascadia Cup is still up in the air, but we are not going to go to the play-offs.

Who really cares? I mean, as i am being taught by Sunshine in his abusive, tough-love sort of education, we do not support a team only in the good times, we simply support a team. I am beginning to understand that the bad times make the good times that much sweeter.  I know I am in for the long-haul.  That doesn’t end in October, but carries on. Hopefully I will be able to share a flask with  Shecky Jr. while standing in the upper 210s. I look forward to that day with great anticipation, as I do every moment in between then and now. Which is an important reminder that as frustrated as I may get, as red-in-the-face, angry, and despondent as Sunshine may get, we do it because we love this team. If you are reading this blog, well, aside from Anfield 89, I am sure you love the Timbers as well. So, remember that when the team under Gavin loses again.

Since Sunshine and Magadh have done their due diligence in covering the Aston Villa match I will not beat the dead horse for long (you can beat a dead horse to water…). All I have to add is that that match was a good time. The weather was perfect, the mood was light, the match didn’t mean anything in the long run and perhaps that’s why our boys in green seemed to be having so much fun. I know that is why I did. I enjoyed the dancing and the lighthearted fun on the field ,and I hope to see more of that in the future. Maybe some fun will get the “communication” flowing and bring the team together.

This year the Timbers can’t seem to generate points anywhere and may end up with the first pick in the draft. But my sense of success is not built just on points--it comes from the magic seen when the whole team works together, and luck and curses and hexes and all of that too. And fun. And when the success within the standings comes I will be there in 210 to see it. Unlike my cohorts, who will cringe at the idea of lighthearted fun and football in the same sentence, I plan to enjoy the rest of this season, while looking forward to better seasons in the future. I will probably drink a little bit more during matches, get to know my section mates a little bit better, and not care about the results from here on out. More smiles, more fun, and more friends--for me, that is what the Timbers are about.

But not this Saturday. So, to my friends in the upper 210s, Ed, Arndt, John, and the rest: don’t start too much trouble without me.

RCTID,

Shecky

PS-This Sunday the Timbers reserves play the Chivas reserves at 2pm. Tickets are cheap and I have proposed to Sunshine a gathering in the lower 210s. Let’s call it a meet and greet for readers, writers, supporters and their kin. Unfortunately, my abuser cannot make it, but Shecky Jr. will be in attendance for his second time ever. I know he is very excited for the opportunity to drool on Merritt. Consider yourselves invite to say hello. And bring your Franz trading cards – I have a couple extra Brent Richards to trade and based on his few appearances I think we will be hearing a lot about him in the years to come.

SG